Of Witches and Poltergeists
by S.D. Poopy
Summary: Hermione has an admirer that will do anything to get her to like him.
1. Charming Charms

~ Of Witches and Poltergeists ~  
  
Chapter 1: Charming Charms  
  
Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters that are from the books damnit!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Author's Note: Okay, since this is a Round Robin and all, we shall tell you when we switch off, cuz instead of switching off between chapters, we just switch off when the other one gets tired of writing or gets a writer's block, so we shall tell you when we are switching off, so please keep your annoyance to yourself cuz we don't care damnit!!!!!!!!!  
  
The first part is. . . *drum roll* S.D. Chesko  
  
The bell had just rang for the next class and Hermione had Flitwick next, but she had just barely rounded the corner into the Charms corridor. "Oh crap! Gotta run, gotta run!!" Hermione was now sprinting, but was cut off by Peeves who had a water balloon in each hand. "Damnit Peeves! Move!! I'm freaking late for class!" Peeves just floated in the air, still blocking Hermione and blowing raspberries, "Ooooo! Potty Wotty Mouth Granger" Peeves started cackling evilly and pelted the water balloons at Hermione, and flew away afterward, laughing. After a few minutes of calming herself down, Hermione walked, drenched from head to toe, into Charms.  
  
Now it has switched to Mr. Poopy Doopy  
  
"Hermione, my hot-stuff-grade 'A' student, you're late." Flitwick stated, " However, we could just forget about your tardiness if you. . . hmmm. . . did me a little. . . er. . . favor?"  
"And what exactly would that be, Professor Tickdick. . . I mean Flitwick. The class burst into laughter when they heard Hermione's pet name for their short (but well equipped) Charms teacher.  
"I'll discuss my terms with you after class, you sweet piece of ass! Oh, look, I rhymed! Well, do take a seat Granger, I've planned out something very special for Charms today!" Professor Flitwick announced to both the class and Hermione. Flitwick began to chuckle madly, but in doing so, lost his balance and fell of the stack of books he was standing on.  
  
SWITCH  
  
Flitwick quickly climbs back up the stack of books, and the class leaned forward, listening intently, wondering what exciting new charm they were going to learn today. "We're making ceramic hand prints!!!" Squealed Flitwick happily, looking hopefully around tat the class who were grumbling angrily "We're making ceramic hand prints?! Sounds like fun." Said Seamus through a fit of "coughs". Flitwick, not noticing the sarcasm in Seamus's voice squeaked happily, " Yep! Isn't that fun?! Now. . . under each of your desks is a thing of wet cement, press both hands firmly into the cement, then, if you like, you can etch in a little phrase." Flitwick was so happy that he yet again, toppled off his pile of books and landed face first on the hard ground. Hermione, running up to Flitwick, " Where does it hurt?!" Flitwick giggled and pointed to his penis, and Hermione bent down and kissed it. The class was goggling at the pair of them, Flitwick, taking notice said, " Well! What are you looking at, get to work! Chop chop!!!" Everyone took out the mold of wet cement and started pressing their hands in it. While everyone was putting their hands into it, Hermione unzipped her pants, pulled down her underwear, and pressed her butt into the cement.  
  
Poopy Doopy!!!!!!!!!  
  
She lifted her tooshy off the wet piece of clay and turned around to look her piece of art in the eye. . . er. . . butt. Everyone rushed over to see the beautiful print which was Hermione's ass. They all made a circle around Hermione's hiney art. People began fainting and some just puked. "Hermione, you never told us that you had pimples all over your ass!" Ron shouted before gagging like a mad mad. "Yeah! I mean, I told you about my green dick!" Harry added angrily. "Hey! Flitwick told me that my butt was hot!" Hermione began sobbing. "'Moine, I think you ass is fine! In fact, it reminds me of this really disgusting shit I once took. . . and I mean that in a good way!" Flitwick added before he angered Hermione too much.  
  
S.D's turn!!!!  
  
"But I made it for you!!!" screeched Hermione through many sobs before running out of Charms class. Flitwick bent closer to examine Hermione's ass art and noticed Hermione had etched " To my sweet little Tickdick" on her right, less pimply cheek. Hermione ran down a flight of stairs, and fell in the trick step and her ass got stuck in the gap. Peeves, who was attracted by the sound came gliding around the corner and laughed hysterically at the pathetic heap that was Hermione. "Hermy Herpy Hermione's got her ass in a bunch!" cackled Peeves through more laughs. Hermione whimpered, and tried to get up, but it just resulted in her going deeper into the gap. Peeves laughed maniacally at this, and decided to help Hermione by grasping her shoulders and pushing her even further down, then threw a Dungbomb right at her for she was engulfed in the stench before flying off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~  
  
Author's Note: Okay!!!! There's the first chapter!!!! We hope you all enjoyed it!!!!!!!!! Don't forget to review!!!!!!!!!!! 


	2. The Woes of Peeves

Chapter 2: The Woes of Peeves  
  
Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, so leave us alone!  
  
Starting off, POOPY DOOPY!!!!  
  
Harry and Ron were in the common room talking about absolutely nothing in particular and drooling like the mindless idiots they are when the portrait slammed shut, and a disgruntled Hermione walked towards them with anger in her eyes. "Do ya reckon she found out about me pooping in her bookbag?" Harry inquired while picking his nose.. "I'm just going to pretend like I didn't hear that!" Hermione said angrily. Harry and Ron plugged their noses as a foul smell crept towards them. "Awww, Hermione, you smell like shit!" Said Harry through the sounds of Ron coughing and gasping for air. "I think we're going to have to switch you back to pull- ups until you learn not to crap in your pants!" "Ugh!" Hermione exclaimed in disgust. "I swear I will kill Peeves!" "uhhh. . .Hermione. . .Peeves can't really die again. . .No offense or anything." Harry added quickly. "It's just so weird. . .I-I just don't understand. Peeves has never picked on me so much during my time in Hogwarts. It's like he. . .he's waiting for me." SWITCH TO S.D.!!!!!!!!  
  
Peeves was playing peek-a-boo in one of the girls toilets. He had just scared the fifth girl who had unfortunately walked into the stall he was hiding in, when he suddenly was overcome with depression.  
"Why won't she talk to me?! I mean, wouldn't any normal girl enjoy being pantsed in the middle of a crowded corridor?!" Taking a moment to ponder on his little dilemma, he decided to go pull up the rug on unknowing students to let out his anger. He would write her a letter tonight and give it to an owl to give to her. Switch to Poopy Doopy!  
  
~ Later that night ~  
  
"Man! When that last one fell, it was louder than the chimes of Big Ben! And I could feel the whole castle shake!" Peeves thought out loud as he recalled that memorable moment. "They should seriously put that Bulstrode girl on the Jenny Craig Diet!" Peeves began cackling but stopped abruptly as he remembered what he needed to do. "But how shall I begin it? I need. . .inspiration!" Peeves looked around and noticed that he happened to be in the Muggle Studies classroom. He then began looking for anything that may inspire an attack of writing. He looked on the teacher's desk and found what he though was a perfect thing. "Yes! This will do! It reminds me very much of my little angel." Peeves thought while stroking the object and making little kissy faces at it.  
Peeves got out a quill and some parchment and began to pour out his emotions to the one he loved.  
  
My Dearest Angel,  
You mean so much to me. I would even give up playing jokes on people if it meant you would love me back. (well, maybe not. . .but every time I did, I' feel really bad. . .maybe not really bad, but there would be a little guilt in my tiny heart.) To express my love for you, I wish to write a poem.  
  
Two squishy ball-like things  
  
One large pole type thingy  
All brought together  
Rubbery balls and pole That was it! I hope you feel the same way as me! Love, Your Sugar Daddy  
  
"It's perfect!" Peeves though to himself. He put it in an envelope and took it to the owlery to be brought to his love tomorrow.  
The Next Morning  
  
Hermione was eating breakfast with Harry and Ron, who were trying to stuff danishes up their noses, when the owls came to deliver mail. Along with the Daily Prophet, Hermione got a strange letter. After reading it a first time to herself, she then read it aloud to the boys. "Harry. . .Ron. . .I think this person, in the poem, has described to me a. . .a. . .a dildo!" Hermione shrieked after she finished reading it aloud.  
  
A/N: Well, that was it! Pa-pa-pa please review *makes pouty faces* 


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